Winding Down and Looking Forward

Wednesday, March 6, 2019
Good Morning!
Let's get right to it. Right now I am going through a transitional point in my life. I have spent the last quarter on my own, on a personal growth journey! Single! Or well sort of single, but not really because I was seeing someone one... So not single at all? It's a thing? It's casual? It is what it is... whatever it is and or was.

Okay so scratch all of that. This last quarter I have spent tied down by my own emotions, wrapped up in the grasp of others, people I desired to pursue romantically, platonically, and everything else in between. I realized, I haven't spent anytime, really at all since freshman year of high school, not putting others needs before my own.

So sure, maybe I wasn't in any kind of committed relationship for the last three months, but I have been committed to everyone but myself.

Problematic.
I just got off the phone with my mom talking about someone in my life who is constantly asking so much of me, I give and give and give, and get nothing back. She told me to completely drop what I was doing (trying to gather something to compensate for a wrongdoing I did not wrong do) and walk away. She told me that it's not about them but about me, I need to put myself first and recognize that I let toxic people into my life, just for them to walk all over me because I feel like I need to meet their needs and make sure they are happy.

But what about me?
In 15 days I'll haul an overpacked suitcase and my horribly unrecognizable passport with me to Italy, where I will spend a week, and then to Lacoste, France where I will live until summer.

In 15 days I'll leave everything toxic, everything weighing me down, and everything that makes me feel less than I am in the US.

In 15 days I'll vow to put myself first, take in every little thing, spoil myself with rich experience, culture, and a new life.
No I won't change who I am, but I will grow. You can't put a timestamp on personal growth, but I believe that the next three months will be much more progressive in my journey than the last have been.

No longer am I willing to hide behind a veil of happiness pretending I am fine and that everything is okay in my world to satisfy others when they are less than so. I value myself as a support system for others of course, but I need to focus on me.
No more bending at the will of the first boy that bats an eye at me.
No more confusing attention of affection.
No more changing plans.
No more dropping everything for someone who I know won't be there to pick it up later.
No more sleepless nights working on things I didn't get to before because I spent so much time in other peoples lives.

I'm ready to flourish in fields of wild flowers in France, eating croissants, wearing ascots, holding whicker baskets... I'm ready to live for the clichés, I'm ready to live for me.

Counting down the days.
Xo, O